So far, in 5 days, I've demolished 2 entire boxes of girl guide cookies, copious amounts of chocolate, more carbohydrates than a teenage boy can eat and bought my breakfast every day.
As you may have noticed, I haven't tracked my food at all these last few days. Exercise has been non-existent.
I've fallen off the bandwagon. Hard. I could blame it all on my sore knee (or my back that twinged today) but it isn't that. It is that I've lost motivation. I don't love me enough to want to eat healthy. I talk a good game (I hope!) but I can't walk the walk.
I'm full of excuses. I always am. I know what is holding me back. I hate myself. If I lose this weight, then I know that I can't blame my issues on the fat. People will finally see me for me and I'm afraid that they won't like what they see.
I'm already enough of a loser as is.
Exhibit A:
Friday at 8:45 pm I'm home alone writing a blog about 10-15 people will read. Not a single person on this planet thought about asking me to spend time with them tonight. There isn't a single person that I would feel comfortable calling up to hang out if I was brave enough to do so.
Exhibit B:
When planning my wedding shower, my bridesmaid (and only real friend) wanted to invite friends of hers I don't even know because she was afraid we wouldn't have anyone show up.
Exhibit C:
I enjoy spending time alone so I can be incredibly lazy watching TV and eating all the junk food in the world.
*sigh*
None of this will change if I lose this weight. Losing the weight won't be a cure-all for my lack of a social life.
So why should I lose weight?
Why shouldn't I just gorge myself on food to feel better?
Why should I care about what I look like?
Why should I worry about being healthy?
Why should I want to live a long life?
Why can't I just wallow in self-pity.
Lame aren't I?
But I don't want to be...
I'm stuck in a rut right now. I can talk a good talk about getting a bike and commuting and keeping strong with the workouts and eating right and blah blah blah blah.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
A rut it is.
So now I need a plan to get out of it.
Tomorrow.
Tonight.
NOW.
Distracted you with a pretty bleeding heart from my yard? I planted the perennial a while ago and completely forgot about. Luckily Vancouver gets so much rain that even though I forgot to water it, the daily rains kept it going. I now have flowers!
Did that work?
Oh right, a plan.
How about a personal commitment to say out loud 5 reasons I want to be healthy before I do a destructive habit.
Oh... another pretty flower.....
That didn't work either? Darnit.
But what if I can't think of 5 good reasons?
Look behind you..
I know I know, it isn't working.
So here goes nothing.
5 reasons I want to be healthy:
1. I want to be able to conceive a child and be able to see them have children.
2. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular size.
3. I want to feel beautiful.
4. I want to be confident.
5. I want to learn to love myself.
Is that good enough?
I think I'll just start there.
5 reasons to not let my self-pity take over.
5 reasons to try.
5 reasons to not give up.
5 reasons to change my life.
5 reasons to make me smile.
This isn't all talk... I hope. No, not 'I hope'. No throwing in qualifiers.
THIS ISN'T ALL TALK!!!
This is about becoming a better person inside and out for no one else other than myself.
I will start with liking myself by making better life decisions.
That will grow to love.
That will turn into me making better choices.
Which will become healthy habits.
And soon I will be healthy.
AND Happy.
You can only go up from here.
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