It isn't Easy

I had a few other posts brewing in my head today, but I received a wonderful comment on yesterday's post from Megan over at The first day of the rest of my life that I wanted to expound on.

Losing weight isn't easy.  Being honest about our journeys to lose weight isn't easy.  If it was easy, how many of these blogs would exist?  How many people would chronicle their frustrations and motivations and life if changing your lifestyle from being unhealthy to healthy was easy?

Losing weight is hard.  Overcoming food addictions, injuries, self-doubt, lack of self-esteem, and all of life's balancing acts is hard.

I think the weight loss / healthy living / fitness and health community needs to stay honest and real.  I LOVE reading all the motivational posts about people who have lost 100+ lbs and are living life to the fullest.  They make it seem so easy and attainable.  They motivate me. It makes me sad when those who are struggling with weight loss fall off the blogosphere.  You almost know that they've most likely gained weight and given up and feel guilty.  Yet, even when they were posting they were motivating me.  I could relate to them on a level I can't to those who have already won the battle.

You should never feel guilty over failing.  All my failures to achieve my weekly goals through the last 15 years of trying to lose weight have taught me so much about myself.  How strong I can be when I need to be; how weak I can be when I'm feeling low.  I have learnt so much about my body.  How it craves cardio and hates oily foods.  Only by failing have I truly learnt who I am.

I celebrate the successes even more because of the failures.  They are much more precious to me since I've had to work hard to reach them.  Weight loss isn't easy, neither is life.  If we are going to succeed at one, why shouldn't we strive to succeed at the other?

Everyone out there who has struggled and succeeded or struggled and failed should feel free to be open and honest about what worked and what didn't in their journey.  Because changing my life, changing our lives, isn't a journey that ends.  We can learn new habits but must work at not falling back into the old ones every day.

Always be honest with your successes and failures.  I don't know if I would be where I am now without people out there telling the truth about hard it is lose weight and how wonderful it feels to succeed.  Each day that I struggle or succeed I drag my ass (or mouse and eyes) to check Google Reader I find a wonderful assortment of blog posts of people who have failed, succeed, lost and won.  Each of those posts remind me that I'm not alone on this journey and neither is anyone else out there.

Keep being honest about your journey and I promise I will always stay true to mine.  I will try to never be afraid of letting anyone down by failing as long as I have stayed true to myself.

This is my journey and commitment to being honest.  What is yours?

Goal Check-in Week #4

Last Week's Goals:

Weight Goal:

Lose 2 lbs (FAIL, I ended up gaining 2.5lbs due to lack of exercise and eating out)

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Do something active every day (except Monday, migraine day.) (Almost SUCCESS!  Other than Monday and Tuesday, I was active every day. )

Personal Goal :

Organise all cake decorating / baking supplies to reclaim use of the office area! (FAIL,  I instead spent my evening in a self-loathing state and eating.)

This week's goals:

I don't seem to be doing very well on these goals.  I should print them out and put them on the fridge to remind myself every day!

Weight Goal:

Maintain.  With family in town, I know this weekend is going to be hard.

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout every day, for a minimum of 20 minutes.  

Personal Goal:

Remind myself every day that even if the social part of my life is lacking, I have many other wonderful things happening!

Monday Mashup

Well, I know it technically isn't Monday but this post formed in my head on Monday and tonight (Tuesday) was the time I was motivated to write it down.

I know I generally don't write a "this is what I did today blog" but I think I want to explain what my weekend was like.

After last Friday night, I realised that I can't just sit back and let life pass me by.  I may not have a social life or any friends, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from enjoying the minimal amount I have.

Saturday morning I skipped the morning circuit class.  My knee was bothering me a little, but I had a mission.  I was going to find my bike.

At 3 different bike shops, I test rode 5 bikes.  The first place, the guys were nice, but not really interested in helping me, so after a quick loop around the parking lot, I was done.  The next stop was much more productive.  The guy was super friendly, answered all my questions, and let me take a bike for a nice test ride.  I was hooked.  I had fun on that bike and managed to do a few hills without killing myself.  The sun was shining, I was happy.

The 3rd bike shop had the Kona Dew FS that I really wanted to try.  It was supposed to have the little swoop like a step-through frame, but apparently the ones delivered to Canada had the standard frame since the Canadian distributors HATED the swooped frame.  So straight boy frame it was.

The guys at Jubilee Cycle in Burnaby were wonderful.  They were patient with me and answered all my questions.  I went out for 2 long test rides on 2 different bikes and fell in love with the Kona Dew.  I was sold.  Now just to convince my husband!

I was riding high by 3 pm on Saturday when I met with my one friend and went and played pitch-and-putt.  I almost let myself get defeated when my friend kicked my ass on every single hole.  But then I realised, you know what, I like golf, but I'm never going to really practise or try hard like my friend.  I'm there for the social side of it, not because I really enjoy it!

But it was a fun 3 hour walk outside in the finally sunny weather with a good friend who was going to be moving soon!!

Then we hit the Richmond Summer Night Market for dinner.... oh my.... that place deserves a post of its own (next week, I promise) so lets just say, the food was wonderful!

I also ran into my husbands 2 sisters and their families there.  They heard I was coming (I did invite one couple, but they never got back to me) and decided to join me.  I also ran into my former best friend.  Former because his wife didn't like me ~ it was an odd quick marriage and we never really bonded well ~ but then again she doesn't seem to like any of his friends.  It was a nice quick hello and I saw his adorable little girl.  The company and food was amazing, filling, and oh so yummy.

Yes, that food was so good, I gained 3 pounds last week.  That is what unhealthy choices and lack of exercise do to me.  And depression.  Damn the moods and emotional eating.

Sunday I contributed to it, but I got back outside after laying around and napping until 2 pm.  I bought my bike!!  I also met up with the same friend from Saturday and went and saw The Avengers finally.

All of that meant I didn't actually get any housework or cleaning or yard work done over the weekend.

Which means I'm doing it in the evenings this week.

I was super productive yesterday by mowing the lawn last night right after coming home.  I also got the clutter organised a little and a weeks worth of dishes done (my depression and self-loathing hit its peak on Friday, but was weighing me down all week.)

I also got 2 weeks worth of laundry done!  WOHOO!

To add to the good karma, on Monday, I also did a 60 minute bootcamp in the morning.  I had my husband call me at 6:15 am to make sure I got up and went.  Being a good husband, he called me on the house line so I had to get out of bed to answer.  Thank god he did or else I wouldn't have made it.

The workout went so well!! My knee survived and I was so energetic afterwards.  I felt positive again.  I was back at it.

Today I went to the afternoon bootcamp and while I didn't completely kill it, my knee was happy, so I was happy!

I am unable to do tomorrow's workout since I have a massage therapy appointment in the afternoon to help with my knee and legs, but I'm hoping to take the dog for a long walk in the evening instead.  I will not let myself get down!

This sun is so welcome!

I may not be posting much in the next couple of weeks.  I have family (well not mine, but my husband's brother and cousins) coming to Vancouver for the week.  This will involve TONS of eating out since they come for the food and golf.  But it will also help get me out of my funk.

I pick my bike up Saturday so definitely more to follow (with pictures!!)

Have I rambled enough yet?

Happy Tuesday from a Monday mashup!

Motivation and Bad Choices

This week has been a struggle for me.  I find when I can't workout, I let my eating slide even worse than normal.

So far, in 5 days, I've demolished 2 entire boxes of girl guide cookies, copious amounts of chocolate, more carbohydrates than a teenage boy can eat and bought my breakfast every day.

As you may have noticed, I haven't tracked my food at all these last few days.  Exercise has been non-existent.

I've fallen off the bandwagon.  Hard.  I could blame it all on my sore knee (or my back that twinged today) but it isn't that.  It is that I've lost motivation.  I don't love me enough to want to eat healthy.  I talk a good game (I hope!) but I can't walk the walk.

I'm full of excuses.  I always am.  I know what is holding me back.  I hate myself.  If I lose this weight, then I know that I can't blame my issues on the fat.  People will finally see me for me and I'm afraid that they won't like what they see.

I'm already enough of a loser as is.

Exhibit A:

Friday at 8:45 pm I'm home alone writing a blog about 10-15 people will read.  Not a single person on this planet thought about asking me to spend time with them tonight.  There isn't a single person that I would feel comfortable calling up to hang out if I was brave enough to do so.

Exhibit B:

When planning my wedding shower, my bridesmaid (and only real friend) wanted to invite friends of hers I don't even know because she was afraid we wouldn't have anyone show up.

Exhibit C:

I enjoy spending time alone so I can be incredibly lazy watching TV and eating all the junk food in the world.

*sigh*

None of this will change if I lose this weight.  Losing the weight won't be a cure-all for my lack of a social life.

So why should I lose weight?

Why shouldn't I just gorge myself on food to feel better?
Why should I care about what I look like?
Why should I worry about being healthy?
Why should I want to live a long life?

Why can't I just wallow in self-pity.

Lame aren't I?

But I don't want to be...

I'm stuck in a rut right now.  I can talk a good talk about getting a bike and commuting and keeping strong with the workouts and eating right and blah blah blah blah.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

A rut it is.

So now I need a plan to get out of it.

Tomorrow.

Tonight.

NOW.

Distracted you with a pretty bleeding heart from my yard?  I planted the perennial a while ago and completely forgot about.  Luckily Vancouver gets so much rain that even though I forgot to water it, the daily rains kept it going.  I now have flowers!

Did that work?

Oh right, a plan.

How about a personal commitment to say out loud 5 reasons I want to be healthy before I do a destructive habit.

Oh... another pretty flower.....

That didn't work either?  Darnit.

But what if I can't think of 5 good reasons?

Look behind you..

I know I know, it isn't working.

So here goes nothing.

5 reasons I want to be healthy:

1. I want to be able to conceive a child and be able to see them have children.
2. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular size.
3. I want to feel beautiful.
4. I want to be confident.
5. I want to learn to love myself.

Is that good enough?

I think I'll just start there.

5 reasons to not let my self-pity take over.
5 reasons to try.
5 reasons to not give up.
5 reasons to change my life.
5 reasons to make me smile.

This isn't all talk... I hope.  No, not 'I hope'.  No throwing in qualifiers.

THIS ISN'T ALL TALK!!!

This is about becoming a better person inside and out for no one else other than myself.

I will start with liking myself by making better life decisions.
That will grow to love.
That will turn into me making better choices.
Which will become healthy habits.
And soon I will be healthy.
AND Happy.

You can only go up from here.

Conquering the Wednesday Hump

Today is a physically feeling off type of day.  I think my body is informing me that my poor choices Monday were very poor indeed.

I tweaked my knee again letting the dog outside this morning.  Ugh.  I hate knowing something is wrong but dreading going to the doctor's to be told once again that everything wrong with me is due to my fat.  I'm going to look after this knee as well as I can, but taking 5 days off from the gym isn't the answer.  I'm determined to go to the gym after work today and get some cardio in. 

I ate a normal breakfast this morning (Tim Horton's oatmeal and a large green tea) but my stomach is feeling really bloated and unhappy.  Not upset, just not its usual self.  I had my lunch even though I wasn't hungry and now I'm feeling so super bloated that my jeans are quite uncomfortable.  These were the jeans that I had to wear a belt with to keep them up just last week.  I don't believe that I have gained enough weight to make them this tight, but given the binge on Monday, I can't guarantee anything.  I now really am wishing for sweats to wear right now.  I don't like this feeling.  I have 5 more hours of work after my current lunch break and sitting here with my belt and jeans pressing against my stomach at the best isn't pleasant and at the worst is distracting.

Blah.

And now my head hurts again!

Have I complained enough for you yet?  I have for me!

On the positive side, I ate well yesterday and stayed within my calorie range:


The other thing that put a smile on my face was this post by Kristin over at And She Ran:

Confidence Tuesday Paying It Forward

Even though I'm on the other side of the world, I'm going to join and do this wonderful thing.  It is a perfect way to ensure each day we stay out of our funk and depression and keep on smiling.

When I'm happy, I'm more likely to be healthy!

As well, my husband and I have stepped up the search for bicycles to purchase soon. 

I'm in love with this one:

2011 Trek 7000

This one:

2012 Giant Roam XR W

And possibly this one:

2010 Norco Roma ST

 Oh, and definitely this one:

2010 Kona Dew FS

And can't forget this one:

2011 Crosstrail Sport Disc

They are all fairly comparable in parts and almost in price (if I hit the sales)

Anyone have any advice on how to choose a bike or which ones they like?

I'm looking for one to use for commuting (conquering some serious hills) but which can also go off-road at the campsites and some gravel trails.  NOT downhill mountain biking!

Goal Check-in Week 3

Last week's goals:

 

Weight Goal:

Lose 2 lbs (FAIL, I ended up gaining 0.5lbs due to lack of exercise and eating out)

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout for a total of 6 hours this week and track everything I eat. (FAIL, I made 5.5 hours of workout if I include the 2 hours for pitch-and-putt golf)

Personal Goal :

Find and organise all the papers necessary for the Realtor. (SUCCESS!  I organized them all, now I just need to scan and email them to him)

This week's goals:

Weight Goal:

Lose 2 lbs.

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Do something active every day (except Monday, migraine day)

Personal Goal:

Organise all cake decorating / baking supplies to reclaim use of the office area!

Craaazy Weekend...

This weekend marked the beginning and end of a few things. 

The end of:

• My husband's visit: he went back to Edmonton on Sunday morning.  
• Food tracking: I did well until Sunday where I could care less.
• A whole box of girl guide cookies: don't ask.
• A piping tube of chocolate fudge icing: made for a tasty, but incredibly fattening, breakfast.
• Healthy eating: I failed big time.
• Eating out:  I now have no excuses for not preparing my own healthy meals at home.
• My motivation to work out.

The beginning of:

• Golf!  Got my first pitch and putt round in on Sunday (my style of golf)
• Sun!  It was sunny here most of the weekend which made me smile.
• A search for a bike!  My husband rode a bike for the first time in years and we narrowed our search down to 3 bikes.  They will be purchased when he is back in June.
• Back to the basics!  I'm committing to preparing all my meals for the next week, except for Saturday.
• A bum knee :(  My knee has been giving me fits for about a month now and was almost too painful on the weekend to even test ride bicycles.
• The countdown until my husband comes home again!  7 weeks to go.

I weighed in on Monday morning at 239.7 pounds.  I gained half of a pound, which I'm going to take graciously since I ate out more often than I ate in.  Given how hard it is to count calories of food while eating out, I'm sure that my calorie counts last week were on the low side.  I also missed too many exercise sessions.

Here are my calorie results from last Friday and Saturday:

Totals	1,913	262	45	102	20	2,532
Your Daily Goal	1,360	187	45	51	16	2,500
Remaining	-553	-75	0	-51	-4	-32
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Fiber	Sodium

Totals	1,610	290	43	48	10	1,687
Your Daily Goal	1,360	187	45	51	16	2,500
Remaining	-250	-103	2	3	6	813
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Fiber	Sodium

I didn't track on Sunday and Monday since I was too depressed and willing to eat horrible things.  Sunday probably wasn't too bad, but Monday was just off the track completely.  I was home sick with a migraine and was eating in such a zombie state I don't even know if I could remember everything I ate accurately.  I know it involved whole bags of Twistos and whole boxes of cookies, but I also know there was other food in the middle.  *sigh*  Emotional and boredom eating will be my downfall.

However, as of Tuesday morning, I am back on track. 

I've had a healthy lunch and breakfast so far and have healthy items at home for supper.  All the cupcakes are gone.  My freezer is stocked with healthy protein:

a collection of healthy protein and carbs: cooked chicken tenders, chicken breasts, and turkey meatballs

 While my husband was here, we did a massive batch cook.  We marinated and grilled 8 lbs of chicken thighs and 8 lbs of chicken tenders.  About 1/3 of that was consumed by various parties in various ways and the rest of it was packaged up into 2 portion amounts, labelled, and then froze.

I also made up 6 lbs of turkey meatballs, cooked in 3 batches in the slow cooker.  One was in BBQ sauce (yum), another in Korean BBQ sauce (yum yum) and the last in a jar of low-fat, low-sodium tomato sauce  (meh).  Those were then also partially eaten up and the rest portioned out again into 2 servings, labelled and frozen.

For the carb portions, since I bought them at Costco, I separated the mini pita buns and the high-fibre tortillas into 2 serving portions as well to freeze. 

So now I have about 25 servings of a healthy cooked protein all frozen and ready to be defrosted for any of my meals.

I also have about 5 portions in the fridge for this week.

This was a new attempt for me, to prevent me from that common excuse for take-out "The meat is still frozen."

I now have no excuses, at least for the next month!

I just need to go buy more fresh fruit and veggies as well as making a huge pot of steel-cut oatmeal. 

I also need to go see a doctor for me knee.  The trainer initially thought it was just because my quad muscles were tight, but I wrapped it before golf on Sunday and it really really helped, so I don't think it is my quads doing it.

Question:  How do you bounce back from poor food choices / loss of exercise motivation?