Monday, April 02, 2012

+4.5lbs *Sigh* I'm a tub of lard

The weigh-in this morning was depressing.  I was up almost 5 lbs.  Now I can try to justify it by saying it is water retention or muscle gain or lactic build up from the really hard workouts.  But I won't.  I'll take it as 4.5 pounds of fat and as a wake up call that I have to get my eating under control.

I've eaten poorly the last 2 weeks.  My breakfast and lunches are great, but when I get home, I go into overeating mode.  Part of it is boredom, a huge part is loneliness, and the other part is the pure self-destructive behaviour of punishment.  I got in to the mindset that I'm a loser and didn't deserve to be happy or thin or healthy.  That I will never be, and don't deserve to be, pretty or attractive or liked.  I reached a very dark place on Saturday night after I had convinced myself how much of a horrible person I am and how much I deserve to be a fat loser.  This downward spiral usually happens about once every couple of months and can take a few weeks to break.  To get through it, to punish myself, I eat.  I hit T&T (a local asian supermarket) and the Maxim's Bakery next door on Saturday and stocked up on congee, bbq pork, rice noodles, egg tarts, mini apple pastries and pineapple bbq pork buns.  I then came home, sat on the couch and proceeded to stuff my face till I cried.

Did it make me feel better? No.

I still felt like a lonely fat loser.  I was still alone on Saturday night, following the trend from the previous weekends of spending them alone.  I don't have many friends and out of the few, most are married with kids and aren't interested in hanging out on a Friday or Saturday night.   Eating crap didn't help me overcome my loneliness, but it did make me momentarily feel better ~ man did all that food taste good.

I sometimes fear that if it wasn't for the Saturday morning circuit class, I wouldn't have any human interaction between Friday night and Monday morning.

I am also loathe to tell any of my friends of these feelings for fear they would find me a bigger loser and not want to hang out with me at all.

I miss my husband.

I hate my body and I hate my lack of willpower.  I am a fat loser.  I am a fat loser with no friends.  I am a fat loser with no friends and zero self-esteem.




Sunday, April 01, 2012

15 reasons why I hate being fat!!!

Over this weekend I really sat back and thought about why I started writing this blog.  I wanted to know where to go before getting too far with this thing.

Am I really ready to be open and honesty to not only myself but to everyone, including family and friends, who could happen across this blog?   Do I want this to be a navel grazing blog detailing what I ate and what I did every day?  Or did I want to talk about topics pertaining to weight loss, motivation, health and fitness?  Or do I want to blog about life in general and not to have a specific focus?

I had a breakdown and a huge fight with my husband last summer after he go upset with me over what I was eating.  We have struggled from the beginning on how he can support me.  He has never struggled with his weight, nor does he have a warped relationship with food.  He eats when he is hungry, doesn't reward himself with food and has always been a healthy weight if not a little too thin.  To be short, he has absolutely no freaking clue what I'm going through.  But during this fight he said one thing that really made me think.  He told me that I lie to myself about what I'm eating and how many calories I'm burning.  That in order to make myself believe that I'm being perfect, I'm deluded myself when I'm not ~ and that is one key thing that is holding me back.

We've come to a delicate balance - he isn't allowed to get upset or comment on what I eat and is only allowed to push me when I ask for it.  I only ask for him to believe in me.  I promised not to blame him for any of my issues with food.

So keeping that in mind, I've decided I want this blog to focus on health, nutrition, but mainly about staying motivated while losing weight, and how it isn't as simple as "just eat less" when you have a warped relationship with food.  I will have a navel grazing post here and there and funny anecdotes about what happens at the gym.  But my biggest issue is being honest with myself regarding how I'm truly changing my lifestyle in order to be healthy and this blog is here to keep me completely honest about what is going on.

To that end, I wanted to follow up my 101 things to do in 1001 days with a short 15 reasons why I want to lose weight and become healthy or more realistically:

15 reasons why I hate being fat!!!


  1. Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
  2. Buying clothes in the plus size stores which contain 90% horrendous styles.
  3. Not being confident enough to go snowboarding and rollerblading with my husband.
  4. Having to buy bras with huge ass shoulder straps.
  5. Feeling guilty when I eat ~  I always feel like everyone is judging what I eat.
  6. The horrible chafing when wearing dresses & skirts without a pair of shorts underneath.
  7. People only seeing my fat instead of me.  
  8. Having 100 pounds on almost all my friends ~ I look like 2 people in photos with them!
  9. Having to check weight limits for everything.
  10. Feeling that the only thing holding me back is my weight.
  11. Name calling; yes, even at age 31 I still get called names by people of all ages either to my face or behind my back.
  12. Not being able to feel sexy or feminine.
  13. People always telling me how easy it is to lose weight - just eat less! Grr.
  14. No clothes ever look good on me.
  15. Feeling completely mismatched when with my thinner husband.

Through the next couple of months I'll have individual posts on each of these bullet points further explaining them as a way to work through how they affect you and to solicit advice over how to overcome these issues.   I bet there are many many more overweight people out there who have the same issues, the same things they are ashamed of and struggle alone with them.  I don't want myself or anyone else out there to feel like they are alone ~ and if we consider the sheer number of weight-loss blogs out there, we are extremely far from alone!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

101 things to accomplish in 1001 days

I came across the Day Zero Project on a few different weight-loss blogs a while ago (I'm sorry, I don't remember whose!  If you have a list, let me know and I'll like to it and we call help each other reach out goals!) and remember thinking, what a fabulous idea.

I believe it is now it is my turn to make one  Considering I work best when I have something concrete I'm going after, I am hoping this will give me focus.

I'm making a 101 things to do in 1001 days.

The weight loss ones are a given, but this list should give me an opportunity to really focus on non-weight number related goals I want to work towards.

So far I have:

  1. Weigh below 240 lbs
  2. Weigh below 230 lbs
  3. Weigh below 220 lbs
  4. Weigh below 210 lbs
  5. Weigh below 200 lbs
  6. Weigh below 190 lbs
  7. Weigh below 180 lbs
  8. Weigh below 170 lbs
  9. Weigh below 160 lbs 
    1. each of the weight goals other will be considered complete if I weight below the amount for 10 or more days, and will be considered incomplete if I go back up past that number.
  10. Reduce my body fat % to below 25%
  11. Hold a perfect plank for 60 seconds
  12. Buy a size 12 dress
  13. Buy pants in a normal size clothing store (i.e. not Penningtons, Addition Elle, Lane Bryant or the Plus size department in ANY store)
  14. Run a mile without stopping
  15. Complete the Couch to 5k running program (0/27 sessions)
  16. Run the 10K Vancouver Sun Run in under 90 minutes
  17. Lose my double chin
  18. Buy skinny jeans
  19. Do a proper boy push-up
  20. Do a pull-up
  21. Go snowboarding and actually be able to stand up on the board unassisted
  22. Wear a bikini
  23. Feel pretty inside my own skin
  24. Buy a house with my husband
  25. Sell my condo
  26. Travel to Europe
  27. Pay off my credit card debt
  28. Take a spin class (Completed, April 10, 2011)
  29. Take a step class
  30. Teach myself how to use wordpress to move this blog to my own domain
  31. Blog at least 3x a week for the next 1001 days
  32. Organize my music - 15 Gigs worth
  33. Organize my photos - thousands and thousands
  34. Take an Adobe Photoshop course
  35. Finish my scrapbooks:
    1. wedding day
    2. university
    3. bahamas trip
    4. wedding cruise
    5. Other trips
  36. Knit an afghan
  37. Visit my friends in the Bahamas
  38. Get a promotion to Senior Developer at work
  39. Sell all my left-over wedding stuff
  40. Find a way to organize and stay on top of the paper that accumulates every where
  41. Go skydiving
  42. Find 100 things I like about myself
  43. Find the perfect little black dress
  44. Make a decent recipe binder and organize recipes
  45. Make whole grain bread from scratch
  46. Purchase a bicycle (and use it)
  47. Make pasta and/or spaetzle from scratch
  48. Attend a knitting meet-up
  49. Knit a pair of socks
  50. Floss every day 
  51. Make a recipe from at least every cookbook I own
  52. Do something physical every day
  53. Change my last name to my husbands
  54. Get a Nexus card
  55. Keep my car clean for a month
  56. Walk the dog 3x a week for a month
  57. Brush the dogs teeth 2x a week
  58. Make a new friend (or 2)
  59. Wake up before 8 am every day for 2 weeks
  60. Host 10 game board nights
  61. Create a LinkedIn account
  62. Order new eyeglasses
  63. Not hit the snooze button for a week
  64. Clear out the clutter from the house
  65. Host another mystery dinner party
  66. Chest press 50lbs
  67. Decorate / Make a cake out of each of my decorating books.
  68. Knit a sweater that looks good
  69. *private ;)*
  70. Work with my dog so he is less fearful and more friendly with kids and strangers
  71. Find a family doctor
  72. Learn to play Mahjong
  73. Comment on 30 blogs
  74. Gain 30 followers on my blogs
  75. Find the perfect icing recipe
  76. See 10 classic movies I’ve never seen
  77. Learn and be comfortable with Javascript and Ext4 (crucial to move forward at work)
  78. Never wake up past 10am for 3 months
  79. Sell 500$ worth of stuff I no longer need
  80. Purge my closet every 3 months 
  81. Go on 5 roadtrips
  82. Look into electrolysis
  83. Paint my nails once a week
  84. Fold laundry within 24 hours of it being dry
  85. Take boudoir pictures (post weight loss)
  86. Make a will
  87. Bake a pie
  88. Begin to learn Cantonese
  89. Use my elliptical at home at least once a week
  90. Create an esty shop
  91. Sell something through the esty shop
  92. Knit / Sew cushion covers
  93. Create a life/goal board

101. on day 1001 start a new list with anything I haven't completed and some new goals
...

Anyone have any great suggestions to fill out the last 6?  I'll eventually move this to its own page, categorize them, and keep it updated.  I commit to seriously trying to accomplish every goal on this list.  


Pilates or Die!

Once again I didn't get my ass out of bed for my hour of self-directed cardio this morning.  Epic Fail.  My trainer is going to own my ass tomorrow.

However, I did do something active.  I tried a new Pilates DVD I ordered on Amazon a couple of weeks ago:

I cleared the area in front of the TV (man do I have to vacuum!) and sat down to do 3 of the 5 10 minute solutions.

I like the DVD because I can choose as many of the 10 minute workouts to flow one into the other.  Since my body is still sore from everything else I wanted something that wouldn't focus on my legs.  So I chose to do the Upper Body Basics, Total Body Combo, and the Long & Limber Stretch.  I found they went by quickly and that I actually quite liked the instructor on it.  I'll definitely be repeating them all at least once a week to help work on my strength, form, and to help stretch out my back.  However, now that I'm done I have a serious headache.  All you Pilates fans, is this normal?


Wohoo!  I did a new exercise and liked it!  Score one for the fat girl.


My food today was good.  I'm in love with the McCains Ultra Thin Crust pizzas ~ I don't often eat them as I try to stay away from most processed food, but today was a long day at work, crappy weather and I felt so tired, a combination which usually would lead me to fast food, chocolate, or ice cream and sometimes all 3. Instead I grabbed the new pollo pizza and ate half for dinner (only 300 calories!) and man was it tasty!  




I'm super impressed with myself. I tried 2 new things today, enjoyed them both and now have time to take a nice long hot bath before heading to bed.




I still haven't come up with a suitable revenge for Mike for the mini eggs.  Food for thought in the bath!









Wednesday, March 28, 2012

All hail the mini egg


Since I was on the topic of trainers, I figured I'd quickly share this tidbit.

A close friend of mine is also heavier like me and working towards her goals with the boot-camps and personal training sessions as well.  Her chubby buddy's is my chubby buddy`s friend.  We've been doing this together for just over a year and have got a good vibe going on.

So, yesterday, she had her personal training session with the trainer I generally work with (who is also the nutritionist and not the one who complimented me this morning.)  Jesh, I should really give him a name.  Lets call him Mike and the one I don`t see eye to eye with Sam.

Mike had my friend on the stepper killing her cardio when he pulls out mini eggs.  Yes, this nutritionist / trainer ate mini eggs in front of my friend while training her.  Mike can get away with a lot, we've become friends with him and have partied with him but, I'm sure you'd all agree with me that eating chocolate in front of a fat girl trying to resist said chocolate for week is just evil! Especially when said friend had been craving them for 2 weeks.

My friend shared this information with me in the evening and I was superiorly annoyed with him... like really dude?  you think you're helping?  She yelled at him during the workout and made him put them away and still yelled at him for having mini-egg breath.  But I decided he needed to be yelled at more. lol.  Now, it isn't really yelling, but a more friendly telling off over text messages.  He laughed at me and told me he`d bring the crème eggs to my workout with him on Friday.  Now that works for me, since I don`t like the crème eggs at all.  Mini eggs I could just hover up.  We bantered back and forth for a bit and I was still prepared to kick his ass if he brought out chocolate in front of me on Friday.

Well, trainers talk and at 4:30 today as I was at work I got a text from Mike saying good job on the workout this morning and that he was eating mini eggs again at the gym.  He was just about to start the afternoon boot-camp at my company and I threatened to come over and steal the eggs from him; that he shouldn't come between a fat girl and his chocolate.  However, I wasn't about to put my hand down his pocket and there was no way in hell I`d ever be able to catch the quick fuck, so with an hour left to work, all I could think about were mini eggs.

MINI EGGS oh how I love you.

Damn Mike.

So I was horrible, undid all my hard work today and made myself chocolate chip cookie dough for dinner.  I didn't eat any of the healthy chicken or vegetables all prepared in my fridge like a good girl would have.  No, since I refused to spend money on mini eggs (I'm cheap cheap cheap), I did myself even worse and ate cookie dough.  *sigh*  I don`t know if this friendship with the nutritionist is going to work.  I'm sitting here feeling ill over the dough and cursing myself for not being stronger.

OK wow, I wasn't planning on writing about that in this blog entry, but as I was explaining the evil nutritionist, I realized why I made that cookie dough. Admitting that food slip was really hard ~ putting it out there for the world to judge, for anyone who reads this to judge was so much harder than posting the pictures.  It was admitting to a total fat girl cliché.  But I needed to put it in there since I figured it out.

I made and ate the cookie dough without even thinking.  Mindless, stupid, and wow.  Hopefully, now that I know my trigger, I can prevent this in the future.  On my drive home, all I could think about was how much I wanted bad food and how much I didn't care how it would hurt my weight loss.  I think, possibly, I got into the mindset of I'm fat, I always will be fat, and if I want the darn cookie dough / mini eggs, then why the hell not!  Or else I just really wanted something bad and since I couldn't have mini eggs, I substituted something I could make quickly at home.   Mindless eating.  I really need to get a handle on that.

Since I've finished punishing myself, I need help with coming up with a payback for Mike that doesn't involve harming myself and eating bad food.  Don't worry, I've got that covered all on my own!

Any ideas?

Compliments and Trainers

Today I dragged my lazy ass to the gym for the 7 am bootcamp class.  I don't know why, but the last 3 weeks my body has had a really hard time recovering from the workouts.  I don't feel like I'm pushing myself harder or that the workouts themselves are particularly harder, but I'm finding my recovery time is much, much longer.  My legs are still sore from my workouts last week!  I must remember to ask my trainer about it during my 1 on 1 session Friday.

Anyways, I felt that I really struggled for the first two thirds of the workout.  I've been having problems with my shins and calves and any lateral movement aggravates them and prolonged (like 5 min +) of running and such bother them as well.  I barely made it through the warm-up (running laps, lunges, side shuffles) when we lined up on the white line and proceeded to do 3-2-1 line exercises.

                   A quick explanation - in our company gym, we have a half-court gymnasium.  It has all the lines for a half-court basketball court, badminton, and volleyball.  Often the trainers will have us line-up so we are facing the long horizontal of the gym and do an exercise to the furthest white line (3), jog back, do the exercise again to the middle white line (2), jog back, and then once more to the closest white line (1), jog back and repeat again from 3.  Hence the 3-2-1.  Exercises can be anything from running, jogging, lunges, squats, squat jumps, can-cans, etc.  You go at your own pace and switch to the next exercise demonstrated when you've reached the front of the gym.  It is great since it works for all fitness levels and I don't feel like the fattest, slowest on there. 

My shins and knees were screaming at me for just moving by now and it was only 10 minutes in.  I did my own modifications on the jumping line exercises and went at my own pace, a much slower pace than normal I felt.  Today there just wasn't any energy in the tank.  I was in a good mood, talked and joked around, but felt like I was dragging my ass.  But I dragged my ass the whole way and didn't quite or stop during any of the exercises (unlike some who prefer to watch others than actually move).  

We did a few cardio sprints on the machines and other floor work with free weights.  Then we finished with an ab workout on the mats.  One of those exercises were side crunches while holding a weight up in air with one arm (I chose a 10lb weight.)  Apparently I was rocking these because I got a very rare, highly valuable compliment when the trainer called out that I was rocking them, getting good air and that my obliques were getting really strong.  Then as I was stretching out my calves on the wall at the end of the workout, the trainer came up to me again, complimenting me on how hard I worked during the class and how it was one of the best group workouts he had seen from me in a long time.   

Huh.  What?  WTF?  Really?

I thought I was dragging my ass.  I thought I could push myself harder.  I thought it was one of my worse workouts in the last month or so.  Apparently my trainer thought otherwise.  I was talking to my co-worker and fellow bootcamp inmate and she also said that while I may not have been pushing as hard as I could, I never stopped, that I kept going slowly and steady through the whole workout.    

Now, I've been working with this particular trainer for over 3 years.  We've been through a lot together.  I don't want to make him sound like an ogre, but he doesn't give compliments easy, most of the time with him you never quite know where you are standing. It is a blue moon when he actually comes up to you and praises you.  I've never really figured out what he wanted from me.  Honestly, we don't get along.  We had a big blowout last year (I'll share the story eventually) and his favourite thought is that I love to hate him.  It isn't that I hate him, I definitely don't love to hate him, but I just don't see eye to eye with him.  

But I think today, I may have gotten a bigger insight into what makes him tick.

Not giving up.
Working through discomfort.
Keeping a positive attitude. * 2
Pushing yourself harder even when you want to quit.

It was a good workout, a 500 calorie burn according to my heart rate monitor, but I still wasn't feeling it.  But I think I have to sit back and really think about my attitude in these bootcamps.  I've been doing them almost regularly for 3 years and I will admit I don't always give it my all.  I give up to easy; I scoff at exercises I don't think I can do; I sometimes use my injuries and soreness to hold back; and I do go in with a sullen attitude, more often than not lately.

Maybe on Friday during the circuit class, even though it is with a different trainer, I need to work on keeping those above 4 points on track.  Maybe that is what I need to get results and stay consistent.  Just maybe the trainer is right for once.....

Not that I'd ever tell him that!


Pictures of Fat


I finally found that stupid connector cord.  

And was able to see full body picture of myself.  I chose simple, body skimming black workout pants and a blue tank top.  No bra so we can see what it looks like without the help of Victoria's Secret.



Wow.  Nothing like putting it out there in its full glory.

Now lets pick it apart like all females do!

I actually don't mind my butt.  It could be worse, but it is much better than I thought. 
My boobs, ugh... I so want new ones!  I would love for my boobs to actually stick out further than my stomach one day!  

I don't mind my waist, I actually have some curves.  And in dark clothes, I don't look too bad from the front.  The sides though!  Mamma-Mia.  Thank gawd for Spanx!

Oh those arms... ick ick ick ick.  I have this feeling that I'll have to suffer through excess skin removal surgery there when I'm done.  

What else?  My calves aren't too bad, but to ever get to that elusive weight and body where my thighs no longer rub together... I don't know if that is possible!

I don't quite have a chin as a slope...  I don't really have a neck.  I eventually want to see a defined chin.. and a neck.. not triangle is trying to imitate one.


Hmm...  maybe in different lighting I'd look worse from the front, there doesn't seem to be any definition there, just a blob.

Yeah.. that is what I am.  Just one big blob of fat trying to write a blog.

The Blob Blog!  lol.

Okay... I've driven myself into delirium looking at how ugly I am.

I've got 80lbs of fat to remove from that body... wish me luck!