Weekly Weigh-In Disaster

Well, it probably isn't a disaster, but it feels like it to me.

I weighed in today at the exact same weight as last week.  I was heart broken.  I had worked as hard as I could to eat as clean and healthy as I could and the scale refused to budge.  I can't blame it on my cycle or stress, or even lack of sleep since I slept well last night.  I don't want to think "oh, well at least I didn't gain" because that wasn't my goal.  I worked for my goal and failed.

I think this week, even with my husband in town, I need to start fresh.  Tracking everything religiously.  Keeping consistent and honest.

Actually, having my husband in town will help with that.  He watches what I eat like a hawk.  Sometimes, and I know he doesn't do this, but in my head he does, I feel like he is judging everything I put in my mouth.  That for each bite I'm taking, he doesn't understand why I'm eating it.  His judgement and misunderstanding over how my body doesn't like going 4-5 hours without water or food is an example to me, in my head.

Now, his actions aren't controlling in any way.  He never says a single word about what I eat or when I eat in a negative light.  He honestly is trying to support me.  But with never having struggled with his weight and having a completely normal relationship with food, he doesn't understand my struggle at all.  Because of that, I know that I can't count on him to truly be able to support me.  It isn't that he doesn't want to, it is that he doesn't know how to.  Our numerous conversations have attested to that.

So this morning, when he was up with me and saw my sadness after I weighed myself, as much as he was trying to help, asking what he could do etc.  All I could think in my head is "great, now he is going to be watching everything I eat even more."  I know it is all in my head.  I know it is me and not him, but part of me is so frustrated with it.  Why oh why did I have to marry a husband with a completely normal relationship to food AND a super fast metabolism so he can eat whatever he wants, when he wants????  ARRGGGHHH.

But I'll get through this plateau.  There is only one way that scale it going to move and that is down.  And the only way that is going to happen is by me being consistent.  And that is what I'm going to do.  I've gotten my frustration out (thank you all for listening) and now I am only going to go forward.  That is the only thing to do.  I am going to try really hard to not let my mind wrap around the whole notion that fat girls shouldn't eat and starving myself.  I'm going to focus on eating right, not stressing and constantly reminding myself that healthy habits = healthy bodies at any weight.

Stupid freaking weigh-in this morning.

What I was reading last week...

I'm a little late posting this (darn husband!) but better late than never to share some interesting stuff you may not have seen yet!


Are you a responder or non-responder:
Does Exercise Make You Overeat?
I'm pretty sure I'm a responder :(

Maybe it is time to bring back something our Grandparents did to cut out all the processed food:
Canning for a New Generation

I may have wanted to be a thinner bride, but I never would have done this:

What Would You do as a Bride?

How about you?

   

While this is a great story, and the kid is smart and awesome, it makes me sad that in this day and age, the kids have to teach his parents about nutrition. 

A Child puts Himself on a Diet

I'm not at all saying it is the parent's fault, but society has evolved to a place where obesity is the norm for so many reasons!

Why always reassessing your goals and letting go of the unrealistic ones is good for you:
Redefining Life Goals can Foster Better Health
So no more unhealthy, unattainable, 50 lbs in 3 months type goals! OK?

Thought provoking since as much as we want to see "real" women in modelling and advertising, does our subconscious?

Do We Really Want See Real Women

I may have low self-esteem, but I refuse to let what other people think of me prevent me from reaching my goals!
Most Women Shy Away from Outdoor Exercise
(or at least I hope I have enough self-esteem to do that.)

Exercise is not only good for our appearance and health, but our minds as well:

What Kind of Exercise Benefits your Brain Most

I swear this is happening in shoes.  I used to wear a size 9 / EU 40.  Now I am in most size 8 / 38.  WTF?
I can wear a smaller pant size now! Or can I?

Use it or Lose it

To prove I'm an uber-geek.  I WANT!
http://bigbigpixel.com/

Stop saying "I'll do that when I'm skinny" for things you can probably do now, but just don't know it!
It is Time to get on with your Big Audacious Life

And now to prove how much I love baking and cute stuff, I want to make these now:
Cinco De Mayo Pinata Cookies

More reasons to get those berries in!
Berries may Reduce Mental Decline in Older Women

More reasons to stay active:
Daily Activity Tied to Lower Alzheimers Risk

How many of us experience poor eating when we're tired or running on empty?
Good Night Sleep Contributes to Healthy Eating


And now I need to go brush up on proper capitalization in titles and links.  Well... tonight when I finish work!

Happy Reading! 

Goal Check-in Week 2

Last week's goals:

 

Weight Goal:  

Lose 2 lbs. - FAIL.  weight loss was 0. 

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal: 

Burn a total of 3500 calories this week ~ that averages to 500 a day and if I keep my workout schedule I should be able to do this. - FAIL.  Adding in the 1000 calories from Friday and nothing on Saturday and Sunday, I only reached approximately 2700 calories.

Personal Goal: 

Finish cleaning / organising the house so when the hubby comes home we can enjoy non-housework stuff. - SUCCESS.  The house was ready when he arrived and we didn't have any stress about it over the weekend!

This week's goals:

 

Weight Goal:

Lose 2 lbs.

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout for a total of 6 hours this week and track everything I eat.

Personal Goal :

Find and organise all the papers necessary for the Realtor.

Plateaus, how I hate you!

mathampson

I think my trainer took pity on me this morning.  He witnessed my attempt at a spin class last night and probably inferred that I was quite sore.  With one look from me, I was excused from having to run the stairs thousands of times with the boys.  Sure, I could have probably done it, only slowing them down a little, but my body was grateful I was just willing to shuffle/jog in the gym instead.  The squats were bad enough.

It is rare when these trainers actually care that you are sore.  They definitely appear to be of the philosophy that even when you're sore, you just keep moving.  I think it is the high-calibre athletes in them.  However, for this regular, fat, plain Jane, when I'm sore, it is hard to move.  When I'm really sore, that soreness doesn't go away once I warm up.  I get into the mindset that hey, at least I'm there.

Even though the trainer went easy on me today, I think I am going to take tomorrow off from a strenuous workout.  My muscles are complaining, my stomach still isn't happy (I haven't felt hungry since last Thursday and I haven't been eating enough to give me that sensation) and I just feel really tired even though I'm having trouble sleeping.  I want a day to come home and take the dog for a nice walk in the sun and where when I come back from that walk, my knees don't cry when I go up the stairs.

I'm also conscious of this post that Lisa Eirene at 110pounds.com wrote.  I've struggled with plateauing and eating poorly as part of a result of the frustration of the plateaus for the last 2 months.  It is one of the reason's I started to blog.   Almost everything on that list, applies to the plateaus I've suffered, and I really don't want to fall into the trap again.

I don't want to over-train, yet I want to keep a consistent exercise routine.  I'm not tracking my food, but I also feel like I'm not eating enough since I'm just not hungry right now.   I also know with my increased fitness level, my body is  more efficient, so I'm trying to mix up my exercises, but I'm having a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  I'm also eating out more than normal since I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping since I've been home.  

I really don't want to undo my weight loss from the last weekend.  However, I know if I don't track my food better, buy some fruit and vegetables, and avoid the leftover Easter chocolate, that this plateau will turn into a weight gain, which will lead me down a dark spiral of despair.

So, with all this, I know I'm not really making a point, but I want to confirm to myself that I am only going to take 1 day off from training.  NOT from eating healthy.

I'm giving myself permission because I want to be healthy, not just skinny.  I'm letting myself know that by mixing it up a little and not stressing over not working out, it isn't going to prevent me from busting out of that plateau.  I'm going to start tracking my food, working out regularly, but not too much, keep pushing past my comfort zone and watch the eating out.

Plateaus, how I hate you!

15 reasons why I hate being fat!!!

Over this weekend I really sat back and thought about why I started writing this blog.  I wanted to know where to go before getting too far with this thing.

Am I really ready to be open and honesty to not only myself but to everyone, including family and friends, who could happen across this blog?   Do I want this to be a navel grazing blog detailing what I ate and what I did every day?  Or did I want to talk about topics pertaining to weight loss, motivation, health and fitness?  Or do I want to blog about life in general and not to have a specific focus?

I had a breakdown and a huge fight with my husband last summer after he go upset with me over what I was eating.  We have struggled from the beginning on how he can support me.  He has never struggled with his weight, nor does he have a warped relationship with food.  He eats when he is hungry, doesn't reward himself with food and has always been a healthy weight if not a little too thin.  To be short, he has absolutely no freaking clue what I'm going through.  But during this fight he said one thing that really made me think.  He told me that I lie to myself about what I'm eating and how many calories I'm burning.  That in order to make myself believe that I'm being perfect, I'm deluded myself when I'm not ~ and that is one key thing that is holding me back.

We've come to a delicate balance - he isn't allowed to get upset or comment on what I eat and is only allowed to push me when I ask for it.  I only ask for him to believe in me.  I promised not to blame him for any of my issues with food.

So keeping that in mind, I've decided I want this blog to focus on health, nutrition, but mainly about staying motivated while losing weight, and how it isn't as simple as "just eat less" when you have a warped relationship with food.  I will have a navel grazing post here and there and funny anecdotes about what happens at the gym.  But my biggest issue is being honest with myself regarding how I'm truly changing my lifestyle in order to be healthy and this blog is here to keep me completely honest about what is going on.

To that end, I wanted to follow up my 101 things to do in 1001 days with a short 15 reasons why I want to lose weight and become healthy or more realistically:

15 reasons why I hate being fat!!!

1. Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
2. Buying clothes in the plus size stores which contain 90% horrendous styles.
3. Not being confident enough to go snowboarding and rollerblading with my husband.
4. Having to buy bras with huge ass shoulder straps.
5. Feeling guilty when I eat ~  I always feel like everyone is judging what I eat.
6. The horrible chafing when wearing dresses & skirts without a pair of shorts underneath.
7. People only seeing my fat instead of me.  
8. Having 100 pounds on almost all my friends ~ I look like 2 people in photos with them!
9. Having to check weight limits for everything.
10. Feeling that the only thing holding me back is my weight.
11. Name calling; yes, even at age 31 I still get called names by people of all ages either to my face or behind my back.
12. Not being able to feel sexy or feminine.
13. People always telling me how easy it is to lose weight - just eat less! Grr.
14. No clothes ever look good on me.
15. Feeling completely mismatched when with my thinner husband.

Through the next couple of months I'll have individual posts on each of these bullet points further explaining them as a way to work through how they affect you and to solicit advice over how to overcome these issues.   I bet there are many many more overweight people out there who have the same issues, the same things they are ashamed of and struggle alone with them.  I don't want myself or anyone else out there to feel like they are alone ~ and if we consider the sheer number of weight-loss blogs out there, we are extremely far from alone!

101 things to accomplish in 1001 days

I came across the Day Zero Project on a few different weight-loss blogs a while ago (I'm sorry, I don't remember whose!  If you have a list, let me know and I'll like to it and we call help each other reach out goals!) and remember thinking, what a fabulous idea.

I believe it is now it is my turn to make one  Considering I work best when I have something concrete I'm going after, I am hoping this will give me focus.

I'm making a 101 things to do in 1001 days.

The weight loss ones are a given, but this list should give me an opportunity to really focus on non-weight number related goals I want to work towards.

So far I have:

1. Weigh below 240 lbs
2. Weigh below 230 lbs
3. Weigh below 220 lbs
4. Weigh below 210 lbs
5. Weigh below 200 lbs
6. Weigh below 190 lbs
7. Weigh below 180 lbs
8. Weigh below 170 lbs
9. Weigh below 160 lbs 
1. each of the weight goals other will be considered complete if I weight below the amount for 10 or more days, and will be considered incomplete if I go back up past that number.
10. Reduce my body fat % to below 25%
11. Hold a perfect plank for 60 seconds
12. Buy a size 12 dress
13. Buy pants in a normal size clothing store (i.e. not Penningtons, Addition Elle, Lane Bryant or the Plus size department in ANY store)
14. Run a mile without stopping
15. Complete the Couch to 5k running program (0/27 sessions)
16. Run the 10K Vancouver Sun Run in under 90 minutes
17. Lose my double chin
18. Buy skinny jeans
19. Do a proper boy push-up
20. Do a pull-up
21. Go snowboarding and actually be able to stand up on the board unassisted
22. Wear a bikini
23. Feel pretty inside my own skin
24. Buy a house with my husband
25. Sell my condo
26. Travel to Europe
27. Pay off my credit card debt
28. Take a spin class (Completed, April 10, 2011)
29. Take a step class
30. Teach myself how to use wordpress to move this blog to my own domain
31. Blog at least 3x a week for the next 1001 days
32. Organize my music - 15 Gigs worth
33. Organize my photos - thousands and thousands
34. Take an Adobe Photoshop course
35. Finish my scrapbooks:
1. wedding day
2. university
3. bahamas trip
4. wedding cruise
5. Other trips
36. Knit an afghan
37. Visit my friends in the Bahamas
38. Get a promotion to Senior Developer at work
39. Sell all my left-over wedding stuff
40. Find a way to organize and stay on top of the paper that accumulates every where
41. Go skydiving
42. Find 100 things I like about myself
43. Find the perfect little black dress
44. Make a decent recipe binder and organize recipes
45. Make whole grain bread from scratch
46. Purchase a bicycle (and use it)
47. Make pasta and/or spaetzle from scratch
48. Attend a knitting meet-up
49. Knit a pair of socks
50. Floss every day 
51. Make a recipe from at least every cookbook I own
52. Do something physical every day
53. Change my last name to my husbands
54. Get a Nexus card
55. Keep my car clean for a month
56. Walk the dog 3x a week for a month
57. Brush the dogs teeth 2x a week
58. Make a new friend (or 2)
59. Wake up before 8 am every day for 2 weeks
60. Host 10 game board nights
61. Create a LinkedIn account
62. Order new eyeglasses
63. Not hit the snooze button for a week
64. Clear out the clutter from the house
65. Host another mystery dinner party
66. Chest press 50lbs
67. Decorate / Make a cake out of each of my decorating books.
68. Knit a sweater that looks good
69. *private ;)*
70. Work with my dog so he is less fearful and more friendly with kids and strangers
71. Find a family doctor
72. Learn to play Mahjong
73. Comment on 30 blogs
74. Gain 30 followers on my blogs
75. Find the perfect icing recipe
76. See 10 classic movies I’ve never seen
77. Learn and be comfortable with Javascript and Ext4 (crucial to move forward at work)
78. Never wake up past 10am for 3 months
79. Sell 500$ worth of stuff I no longer need
80. Purge my closet every 3 months 
81. Go on 5 roadtrips
82. Look into electrolysis
83. Paint my nails once a week
84. Fold laundry within 24 hours of it being dry
85. Take boudoir pictures (post weight loss)
86. Make a will
87. Bake a pie
88. Begin to learn Cantonese
89. Use my elliptical at home at least once a week
90. Create an esty shop
91. Sell something through the esty shop
92. Knit / Sew cushion covers
93. Create a life/goal board
94. 
    

101. on day 1001 start a new list with anything I haven't completed and some new goals
...

Anyone have any great suggestions to fill out the last 6?  I'll eventually move this to its own page, categorize them, and keep it updated.  I commit to seriously trying to accomplish every goal on this list.