Weekly Weigh-In Disaster

Well, it probably isn't a disaster, but it feels like it to me.

I weighed in today at the exact same weight as last week.  I was heart broken.  I had worked as hard as I could to eat as clean and healthy as I could and the scale refused to budge.  I can't blame it on my cycle or stress, or even lack of sleep since I slept well last night.  I don't want to think "oh, well at least I didn't gain" because that wasn't my goal.  I worked for my goal and failed.

I think this week, even with my husband in town, I need to start fresh.  Tracking everything religiously.  Keeping consistent and honest.

Actually, having my husband in town will help with that.  He watches what I eat like a hawk.  Sometimes, and I know he doesn't do this, but in my head he does, I feel like he is judging everything I put in my mouth.  That for each bite I'm taking, he doesn't understand why I'm eating it.  His judgement and misunderstanding over how my body doesn't like going 4-5 hours without water or food is an example to me, in my head.

Now, his actions aren't controlling in any way.  He never says a single word about what I eat or when I eat in a negative light.  He honestly is trying to support me.  But with never having struggled with his weight and having a completely normal relationship with food, he doesn't understand my struggle at all.  Because of that, I know that I can't count on him to truly be able to support me.  It isn't that he doesn't want to, it is that he doesn't know how to.  Our numerous conversations have attested to that.

So this morning, when he was up with me and saw my sadness after I weighed myself, as much as he was trying to help, asking what he could do etc.  All I could think in my head is "great, now he is going to be watching everything I eat even more."  I know it is all in my head.  I know it is me and not him, but part of me is so frustrated with it.  Why oh why did I have to marry a husband with a completely normal relationship to food AND a super fast metabolism so he can eat whatever he wants, when he wants????  ARRGGGHHH.

But I'll get through this plateau.  There is only one way that scale it going to move and that is down.  And the only way that is going to happen is by me being consistent.  And that is what I'm going to do.  I've gotten my frustration out (thank you all for listening) and now I am only going to go forward.  That is the only thing to do.  I am going to try really hard to not let my mind wrap around the whole notion that fat girls shouldn't eat and starving myself.  I'm going to focus on eating right, not stressing and constantly reminding myself that healthy habits = healthy bodies at any weight.

Stupid freaking weigh-in this morning.

I had a witty title I forgot....

Often at night when I'm struggling to sleep, I think of things to write on the blog or rehash the daily workout or plan out my next day.  However, when I wake up the following morning, nine times out of ten, I've forgotten everything I figured out the night before.

Like this blog title.  I had a really witty title thought up, but for the life of me, I can't remember it!

Oh well.

Today is the final day of our family weight loss competition.  Enter a day full of compulsively weighing myself, limiting food intake and trying to remind myself that there is no way I can beat a guy who has already lost 8% body fat.  I also need to keep reminding myself that even though I lost the competition, the approximately 20 lbs I've lost in the last 3 1/2 months is nothing shabby at all!

The last 2 days I've worked my butt off if my heart rate monitor is anything to go by:

Saturday morning circuit class

Friday afternoon circuit + personal training session

However, the scale isn't cooperating too much.  I'm up 1.5 lbs from yesterday:

My original weigh-in body fat % was 53.6 and weight was 260.2.  *HUGE SIGH*

I know that 51.9% isn't my actual body fat % since these scales are off.  When I had my last body composition done with calipers it was in the mid 30% range.  However, this scale is consistent in telling me the body fat % and doesn't seem to vary much during the day.

Buuuuutttttttttt, my weigh-in isn't until later this afternoon since my brother-in-law works until 2 pm and we aren't meeting up for measurements etc. until after then.  So as I alluded to earlier, I'm going to compulsively watch my weight and body fat % during the day.  I have a few "exercises" to do, like mowing a 2000 sq. ft lawn with a push mower, vacumming a 1500 sq ft area, going on my hands and knees to get all the dog hair off the stairs, and maybe while I'm at it, I'll run a few sets of stairs as well.  Anything to get those numbers even slightly lower.

I'll take pictures each time ~ show you truly how variable they can be during the day and why it is so consistent to weigh in at the same time each day wearing the same thing (or nothing) and not worrying too much about a pound here and there since our bodies are so variable.

I hope everyone is having a great day, and to those running the Vancouver 10K Sun Run (in progress right now and half are already done!) I hope your race went well!!

I'll be back later!

Biggest Loser - Family edition

I married into a family that is thin by default.  My sister-in-law barely weighs 100 lbs and doesn't even fit into the extra small clothes at most stores.  I have at least 100 lbs on all of them.  However, all of them, save the 100lb sister-in-law want to lose fat and gain muscle.  They are the unhealthy version of thin.

So last fall, a cousin of my husbands, one of the few who could stand to lose a few pounds, proposed a weight loss competition for the new year.  Everyone would pay in $25 to participate and the winner with the highest percentage of body fat lost, would win the whole pot.  Between my immediate family and my husbands extended family we ended up with a pot around $300.  Not too shabby.

On January 1st we all weighed in, did measurements, and used a Body Fat scale to calculate our starting point. Only I would have access to all the data and my 12 year old niece would be the one to validate everyone's data as we took it.  She was a task master who wouldn't let anyone cheat. Then the games began.  We all had 15 weeks to loose at much fat as possible.

Technically, there were really only 4 people who could win:

Myself, if I could control my eating,
Cousin J, who is a huge health nut and doesn't mind eating bland food every day,
Brother-in-law R, who has struggled with weight, but has motivation issues,
Brother-in-law S, who drinks coke like it is going out of style,
and
my mom, who is the only person who had more body fat than me.

This contest shouldn't have been hard, it was mine to loose.  I had the most skills and resources available to me through work.  I went gangbusters out the door.  I lost 15 lbs in 6 weeks. I was rocking it.

Then stress and depression knocked on the door.  My body doesn't like stress.  Even with eating well, stress would cause me to hold on to every pound.  I've rebounded after last weekend to the same weight I was in the middle of February.  There are 2 weeks left in the competition.  I need to prove myself to everyone in his family that I am not a fat lazy slob.  No one has ever criticized me for my weight, but I can't stand seeing myself in pictures with them, double their size.  I want to prove to them that I am worthy of my husband.

So with 13 days to go, I want to lose at least 6 pounds to get under 240 pounds.  I don't want to be embarrassed by my failure once again to succeed when I have all the apparent tools to succeed.

The catch is that I'm travelling back to Alberta to visit my grandparents, my mom, and my husband.  No one in that province that I visit eats well.  Vegetables are non-existent.  Carbs are abundant.  I'll be on the go for 6 days with little healthy options.

Can I lose 6 pounds?  I'm going to try.

In order to do that, I need to eat healthy tomorrow, so I'm going to get off my fat ass and go prepare a healthy dinner for tonight and lunch for tomorrow.

Then I'm going to go to bed early and actually wake up and do 60 minutes of hard cardio tomorrow morning.

I CAN DO THIS.

I may not win, but I refuse to embarrass myself.