Weekly Weigh-In Disaster

Well, it probably isn't a disaster, but it feels like it to me.

I weighed in today at the exact same weight as last week.  I was heart broken.  I had worked as hard as I could to eat as clean and healthy as I could and the scale refused to budge.  I can't blame it on my cycle or stress, or even lack of sleep since I slept well last night.  I don't want to think "oh, well at least I didn't gain" because that wasn't my goal.  I worked for my goal and failed.

I think this week, even with my husband in town, I need to start fresh.  Tracking everything religiously.  Keeping consistent and honest.

Actually, having my husband in town will help with that.  He watches what I eat like a hawk.  Sometimes, and I know he doesn't do this, but in my head he does, I feel like he is judging everything I put in my mouth.  That for each bite I'm taking, he doesn't understand why I'm eating it.  His judgement and misunderstanding over how my body doesn't like going 4-5 hours without water or food is an example to me, in my head.

Now, his actions aren't controlling in any way.  He never says a single word about what I eat or when I eat in a negative light.  He honestly is trying to support me.  But with never having struggled with his weight and having a completely normal relationship with food, he doesn't understand my struggle at all.  Because of that, I know that I can't count on him to truly be able to support me.  It isn't that he doesn't want to, it is that he doesn't know how to.  Our numerous conversations have attested to that.

So this morning, when he was up with me and saw my sadness after I weighed myself, as much as he was trying to help, asking what he could do etc.  All I could think in my head is "great, now he is going to be watching everything I eat even more."  I know it is all in my head.  I know it is me and not him, but part of me is so frustrated with it.  Why oh why did I have to marry a husband with a completely normal relationship to food AND a super fast metabolism so he can eat whatever he wants, when he wants????  ARRGGGHHH.

But I'll get through this plateau.  There is only one way that scale it going to move and that is down.  And the only way that is going to happen is by me being consistent.  And that is what I'm going to do.  I've gotten my frustration out (thank you all for listening) and now I am only going to go forward.  That is the only thing to do.  I am going to try really hard to not let my mind wrap around the whole notion that fat girls shouldn't eat and starving myself.  I'm going to focus on eating right, not stressing and constantly reminding myself that healthy habits = healthy bodies at any weight.

Stupid freaking weigh-in this morning.

What I was reading last week...

I'm a little late posting this (darn husband!) but better late than never to share some interesting stuff you may not have seen yet!


Are you a responder or non-responder:
Does Exercise Make You Overeat?
I'm pretty sure I'm a responder :(

Maybe it is time to bring back something our Grandparents did to cut out all the processed food:
Canning for a New Generation

I may have wanted to be a thinner bride, but I never would have done this:

What Would You do as a Bride?

How about you?

   

While this is a great story, and the kid is smart and awesome, it makes me sad that in this day and age, the kids have to teach his parents about nutrition. 

A Child puts Himself on a Diet

I'm not at all saying it is the parent's fault, but society has evolved to a place where obesity is the norm for so many reasons!

Why always reassessing your goals and letting go of the unrealistic ones is good for you:
Redefining Life Goals can Foster Better Health
So no more unhealthy, unattainable, 50 lbs in 3 months type goals! OK?

Thought provoking since as much as we want to see "real" women in modelling and advertising, does our subconscious?

Do We Really Want See Real Women

I may have low self-esteem, but I refuse to let what other people think of me prevent me from reaching my goals!
Most Women Shy Away from Outdoor Exercise
(or at least I hope I have enough self-esteem to do that.)

Exercise is not only good for our appearance and health, but our minds as well:

What Kind of Exercise Benefits your Brain Most

I swear this is happening in shoes.  I used to wear a size 9 / EU 40.  Now I am in most size 8 / 38.  WTF?
I can wear a smaller pant size now! Or can I?

Use it or Lose it

To prove I'm an uber-geek.  I WANT!
http://bigbigpixel.com/

Stop saying "I'll do that when I'm skinny" for things you can probably do now, but just don't know it!
It is Time to get on with your Big Audacious Life

And now to prove how much I love baking and cute stuff, I want to make these now:
Cinco De Mayo Pinata Cookies

More reasons to get those berries in!
Berries may Reduce Mental Decline in Older Women

More reasons to stay active:
Daily Activity Tied to Lower Alzheimers Risk

How many of us experience poor eating when we're tired or running on empty?
Good Night Sleep Contributes to Healthy Eating


And now I need to go brush up on proper capitalization in titles and links.  Well... tonight when I finish work!

Happy Reading! 

Goal Check-in Week 2

Last week's goals:

 

Weight Goal:  

Lose 2 lbs. - FAIL.  weight loss was 0. 

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal: 

Burn a total of 3500 calories this week ~ that averages to 500 a day and if I keep my workout schedule I should be able to do this. - FAIL.  Adding in the 1000 calories from Friday and nothing on Saturday and Sunday, I only reached approximately 2700 calories.

Personal Goal: 

Finish cleaning / organising the house so when the hubby comes home we can enjoy non-housework stuff. - SUCCESS.  The house was ready when he arrived and we didn't have any stress about it over the weekend!

This week's goals:

 

Weight Goal:

Lose 2 lbs.

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout for a total of 6 hours this week and track everything I eat.

Personal Goal :

Find and organise all the papers necessary for the Realtor.

Fat Acceptance?

Tuesday afternoon bootcamp plus 20 minutes of cardio after.

Well I'm getting there - I've burned 1042 calories in 2 workouts this week.  2458 calories to go!

To keep my motivation up, I've been reading more blogs, shamelessly checking out the blogs that others are reading and then if I like those blogs, I'm checking out what they're reading and so on and so on.

Doing this has exposed me to some great blogs and some that just make me go huh and others hmmm....  Some of the ones that make me go hmmm are the ones surrounding fat acceptance and such.  I've read through some of the latest posts on two or three blogs of people advocating fat acceptance and the largest thing I've taken away is the one statistic they all repeat ad nauseam: 95% of the people who lose weight gain it back, only 5% maintain the weight loss.

Armed with that fact, they keep repeating how weight loss is impossible, improbable, not a cure, and shouldn't be considered a solution to anything.  I agree with a large portion of what they argue.   As a fat person, I'm subjected on a daily basis to people judging me based on my fat.  They don't see me.  I especially agree with the fact that being obese or overweight is generally what doctors tell you is the cause of everything else that is wrong.  That losing weight is the magical cure to heal all.  Now I don't buy that, but I also don't buy the fact that the majority of obese people  (60+ pounds above a "normal" weight and not an athlete) are perfectly healthy.  

However, I will admit you can have extra pounds on your body and have great health.  I just don't think we should not be advocating weight loss.  From the studies that I've read, healthy habits equals weight loss.  However, since we are all individuals, no weight loss will be the same and just living a healthy life won't make some people thin and in the medically acceptable "normal weights."

But constantly repeating that 95% failure rate almost is like telling people who are obese and want to lose weight that it is hopeless and they shouldn't even bother ~ instead come and be a fat acceptance cheerleader with us, all fat people are healthy!! Celebrate being fat because the science is inconclusive on the health risks, be fat with us.  

Now, that may not be what the movement is about, but as a fat person just discovering the whole thing, it is the impression that I am getting.  

And where the hell is the study that gave that result?  I tried to google to find the actual study to read, but the first 10 google result page ended with blogs, fat acceptance websites, and new media sites which cite that statistic, but not one actually contains a link to a study which shows it.  

Can anyone point me in the right direction?   I prefer to read the actual studies versus media synopsis of them.

It frustrates me to no end that almost ever single post or blog entry I read on some of these sites are nothing but, you can't lose the weight, the studies don't prove that being fat is unhealthy, you can be super fat and still be healthy, etc, etc.  Then when I read other people's weight loss journey blogs, I see all these people posting how much more active and stronger they are, how much better they feel, how much nicer their digestive system is, how they have more energy etc. etc. once they lost the 50, 100, 150 extra pounds.

It is completely contradictory.  What is someone just starting on their journey (I'm in, well, the 25th year of mine so I'm not exactly a newbie) or looking for motivation (me), supposed to think?

The one key factor to the studies which show weight is inconclusive and an indicator for health all show that the obese people who are healthy all are active and eat their fruit and vegetables.  They lead a healthy life.  They have healthy habits.  

Why is it that that isn't what some of these blogs are promoting?  Why is it instead all about relishing in being fat and not relishing in being healthy?  I completely agree with most of the work they are doing in preventing people from judging others based on their weight, but I simply don't understand why they aren't blunt in saying sure you can be fat, we won't judge, but please, be healthy and fat instead of that couch potato!

I'm so confused!

Can anyone explain?  Point me in the direction of some good sites that promote fat acceptance but also promote being healthy.  That don't just celebrate being fat, but celebrate being fat AND healthy?

I think when I have a little more time, I'm going to do a lot more reading to see if I can wrap my head around it but in the meantime I'm going to keep on trucking with my healthy habits and lifestyle change!

I wish all the rest of you the best of luck as well!

Monday Blahs

Monday afternoon bootcamp

So I was a very bad girl this morning and skipped morning bootcamp.  I woke up at 6:00 am and then let the negative side of me come through.  My back was bothering me and the thought of an intense cardio and core circuit just wasn't appealing.  I know we need to keep the numbers up to keep the class from being cancelled, but I had slept poorly and just wanted 2 more hours of sleep.

I ended up getting out of bed at 8:10 am.  *sigh*

I did however go to afternoon bootcamp and burned my 478 calories!  My shins were bothering me like mad so I was happy with the result.  We had the new trainer again and he totally cracks me up ~ he repeats all of his motivational sayings at least twice.  It both annoys me and makes me laugh at the same time:  "Come guys keep it up, keep it up" or "Let's get moving, let's get moving" in a monotone voice.  He is a good trainer I think, just young and inexperienced.  He'll get his trainer legs soon!

I weighed in this morning at 239.4, so I'm still below 240 for the 3rd week in a row which means I can update the very first item on my 101 things to to in 1001 days page to be complete!   I am stoked.  However, it also means I probably would have lost serious weight last week if I could have kept the chocolate and Reese Puff's cereal addition monster under control.  I did well until Saturday night, Sunday morning where I just grazed on everything including way too much chocolate, the semi-baked cake, and 3 massive bowls of cereal.

I'm trying to get back on track with food by planning all my meals and having them all laid out.  I batched cooked the protein / veggie portion for 8 meals (M-Th) and then will allow myself a cheat meal on Friday since I have my personal training session that day.  My husband also arrives back in town Friday night so I'm super excited about that!  I have him for a week before he goes back for his summer class.  We'll probably end up going out for sushi Friday night.  Since I eat mainly the sashimi with a side of edaname, I should be good for food.  Just to control that boredom eating and then I'll be set.

What tricks do people employ to avoid the boredom eating?  I try to keep myself busy at home and if I had more of a social life and more friends I can see myself going out more.  But I seriously heart me some TV and tend to want to graze on food while watching.  I don't buy most of the junk food, but anything can be overeaten ~ including the "healthy" stuff.  Too much fruit isn't a good thing and too many veggies make my tummy unhappy.

I've decided to make myself some goals this week to keep my focus:

Weight Goal: Lose 2 lbs.
Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal: Burn a total of 3500 calories this week ~ that averages to 500 a day and if I keep my workout schedule I should be able to do this.
Personal Goal: Finish cleaning / organising the house so when the hubby comes home we can enjoy non-housework stuff. 

Question: What are your goals for this week?

What I'm Reading

I've ramped up my reading of blogs and other sites lately trying to keep my motivation.


Here is what has struck a chord with me in the last week:

And She Ran
A blog I just started following ~ this particular blog post reminded me of me.  How I've used my excess fat as an excuse as to why no on likes me.  But it isn't my fat, it is me!  I shut myself off from the world using my fat.

There's a reason hamsters dont have six packs
Another blog new to me ~ I liked the advice in this one about mixing up the workouts, something I'm trying hard to do!

2 posts from Skinny Emmie:

• Accepting the Struggle A great read on why the struggle and the journey are just as important as the final destination.
• Weight Loss Ninja Although not explicitly a motivational post, to me, since I also struggle to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, it was.  It is necessary to remind myself that the definition of failure can change and even the best laid plans go sideways but that the final goal is always there even if the path to reach it may change. 

Day 2
Another blog new to me that I came across looking for people's experience with skin removal surgery.  When checking out blogs, I almost had a panic attack since I know once I reach my weight loss goal, I will have plenty of excess skin to be removed.  It scares the shit out of me.  The wonderful blogger at Diary of a Former Food Addict just went through surgery for her arms and legs and I'm really looking forward to watching the progress.

Don't just sit around
I came across this when reading the Sweat Science blog at Runner's World.
I sit all day long, and this is a perfect reminder to move on a regular basis.  I find the study quite intriguing as it goes to show that obesity is a very complex issue.

Paying the Price of a Fat Pet
"The problem in pets mirrors that in overweight humans, often stemming from lack of exercise and too many snacks and calorie-dense foods – or, in this case, treats and table scraps – between meals."

So true!  I'm lucky my dog is hyper active and maintains his weight  perfectly.  I only wish my doctor would tell me that "You have a nice figure" like the vet told Haru!

Deprived
A reminder that you shouldn't feel deprived for the whole weight loss journey

Healthy Habits Make Healthy Fatties

A reminder that the number on the scale doesn't mean much in regards to health and morbidity!

I understand everyone smells... but jesh!

After taking yesterday off to hang out with my wonderful friend, I was back at the gym today.

I was out late last night and even though I woke up at 6 am to let the dog out, I crawled back into bed for another 2 hours after that.  I couldn't face doing a morning bootcamp, working for 8 hours, and then having a stretch of boring time at home trying to avoid watching the hockey game tonight.  So instead, I went to the 4:30pm class and am working late.

Now, I used to always go to the afternoon bootcamp.  It is a comfortable group of people where no one really pushes you and if you don't want to try too hard, you don't have to.  It fit me for the first few years I was doing the classes.  The crazy morning class where people want to be punished scared the hell out of me.

But, after having done the morning classes for the last few months ~ I want back!  The afternoon class has many more people on average (15 today vs. 6 in the morning) and trying to put it delicately, 2 or 3 who, well, smell.  REALLY REALLY bad, to the point their body odour will smell up the whole gym.  Or like today, the whole stairwell as you run stairs with them.  I don't know if they don't wear deorderant, don't wash their gym clothes, or if it is just their natural scent, but when you get all 3 in one class, combined with 12 or 13 other people ~ I can't handle it.  Pushing my heart rate to 190 while having to prevent myself from being neaseous from the smell just doesn't work.

While the calories weren't bad, I had a horrible workout.

I've talked to the trainers regarding the smell and honestly there isn't much anyone can do.  If they don't smell when they come in ~ some people are just unlucky in that regard.

I guess smell is like sweat.  I sweat like a freaking pig.  It just drips off of me and I feel gross and ugh.  I feel like others at the gym judge me for how much I sweat, equating being fat to the sweating.  Yet, there are people who sweat even more than me (trails of sweat on the floor when running) who are in fantastic shape.

When I'm at the gym, I try not to judge other people.  For the most part, we are all there to get in shape, workout, and do the best we can that day.  I know we all think others are watching us but I bet in fact, no one really is.  It is all in our head.  At my gym, there are one or two people who do watch others ~ who are persistent in calling out those they perceive not to be working hard enough either to others after the classes or during them by offering "advice".  However, when they do that, don't they realize that they can't be working hard enough if they are too busy watching and judging others?  We have a guy and a girl like that in the classes that drive me up the wall.  I've gotten good at ignoring people when I'm doing my thing, but still, no one should ever go into a gym and feel like they aren't good enough because they can't do what others do.

I know that is an idealistic view.  Many people, skinny and fat, aren't comfortable in some gyms due to the perceived judgements from others.   I battle that constantly.  I have to keep telling myself that no one is looking at me.  It doesn't always work and I try to hide in the back.  I tailor the clothes I wear to the gym so I don't offend anyone.  I make sure my shirts are long enough to cover all the chub and loose enough so the fat rolls don't appear.  I HATE doing jumping jacks or other things that make my fat all jiggle in front of others since I don't want them disgusted by me.  However, those clothes aren't always the most comfortable to wear.  Should I be concerned about offending people?  Who cares if I wear a tank top where you can see the rolls, I'm not showing any skin, just spandex controlled fat!

I'm going to a new spin class at the local recreation center tomorrow, one I've never been to, so I wonder what the atmosphere there is going to be.  I wonder if I'll be comfortable or try to hide again.

The gym is such a different social beast to navigate.

Question:  Are you comfortable at the gym you go to?  Do you avoid certain exercises so you're not judged?