Monday, April 02, 2012

+4.5lbs *Sigh* I'm a tub of lard

The weigh-in this morning was depressing.  I was up almost 5 lbs.  Now I can try to justify it by saying it is water retention or muscle gain or lactic build up from the really hard workouts.  But I won't.  I'll take it as 4.5 pounds of fat and as a wake up call that I have to get my eating under control.

I've eaten poorly the last 2 weeks.  My breakfast and lunches are great, but when I get home, I go into overeating mode.  Part of it is boredom, a huge part is loneliness, and the other part is the pure self-destructive behaviour of punishment.  I got in to the mindset that I'm a loser and didn't deserve to be happy or thin or healthy.  That I will never be, and don't deserve to be, pretty or attractive or liked.  I reached a very dark place on Saturday night after I had convinced myself how much of a horrible person I am and how much I deserve to be a fat loser.  This downward spiral usually happens about once every couple of months and can take a few weeks to break.  To get through it, to punish myself, I eat.  I hit T&T (a local asian supermarket) and the Maxim's Bakery next door on Saturday and stocked up on congee, bbq pork, rice noodles, egg tarts, mini apple pastries and pineapple bbq pork buns.  I then came home, sat on the couch and proceeded to stuff my face till I cried.

Did it make me feel better? No.

I still felt like a lonely fat loser.  I was still alone on Saturday night, following the trend from the previous weekends of spending them alone.  I don't have many friends and out of the few, most are married with kids and aren't interested in hanging out on a Friday or Saturday night.   Eating crap didn't help me overcome my loneliness, but it did make me momentarily feel better ~ man did all that food taste good.

I sometimes fear that if it wasn't for the Saturday morning circuit class, I wouldn't have any human interaction between Friday night and Monday morning.

I am also loathe to tell any of my friends of these feelings for fear they would find me a bigger loser and not want to hang out with me at all.

I miss my husband.

I hate my body and I hate my lack of willpower.  I am a fat loser.  I am a fat loser with no friends.  I am a fat loser with no friends and zero self-esteem.

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