Tuesday, May 29, 2012

And the Results are in:

6 lbs

That is how much I gained in one week of gluttony.  6 lbs.  That means I ate an extra 21000 calories over 7 days.  That is an extra 3000 calories a day.

How does one accomplish such a feat?  Well now, that is an easy question to answer.

A: Eat high-fat calorie laden food for every meal until you feel sick.  Then do minimal exercise and spend copious amounts of time lying on the couch watching TV or sitting in restaurants eating food, not necessarily because it tastes good, but because you can.

Oh yes sir, it is an easy thing to eat an extra 3000 calories a day.

6 lbs

That is how much I need to lose in order to undo a weeks worth of nonsense eating.  It is a sign of how far off the track I can get when I give myself permission to eat and do whatever feels good for a week.

It is a number that shames me and yet liberates me at the same time.

I know I ate poorly.  I know I ate so much food that I didn't need to intake.  I knew that there was little chance of me maintaining my weight that week.  Apparently I'm not a very goal orientated person.

I am almost thankful I didn't not gain a significant amount of weight. It reminds me of how much impact small missteps as well as big missteps can have on this weight loss journey.  If I would have only gained a pound or stayed the same, I could see myself giving myself permission to eat whatever I want just because, hey, a week of gluttony only equal a small weight gain.  

But I gained a huge amount.  A painfully high amount.

A number that will take me a month to lose.

6 lbs

The amount I am going to lose in the next month.  A number which will remind me that nothing tastes as good as losing weight feels.  Trust me, I ate enough to realize that.

I didn't need or particularly want all that extra food.  I want to be healthy.  I want to fit into my clothes, I want to be proud of myself.

That extra 6 lbs gives me a focus and a way to become proud of myself.

For the month of June, I'm going to lose that 6 lbs plus more.  I am not going to let this stop me.  This will motivate me.

6 lbs

gawd damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Let the Chaos.... Continue??

I've been a bad weight loss blogger and didn't blog through the last week when I was, ahem, actively gaining weight.

I haven't stepped on the scale, but from 2 weeks of indulgence, I know I have gained weight.

<TMI alert>

So, I carry much of my weight in my lower ab stomach area.  The part that is hidden by the pants...  and well sometimes, when I am heavier, that fat roll sits differently.  It is more like when I sit down it is resting on my upper thighs.  I know when I've regained even 5 or 10 pounds, that uncomfortable feeling of the fat resting on my thighs (i.e. jean ab portion touching jean upper thigh portion) occurs.  I hate it, it bugs the hell out of me.

Well I have that feeling right now.  I started feeling it last Thursday and it has haunted me since.

Yet, like many people, I have done NOTHING about it.

Heck, yesterday was overindulgence city.  I stalked a city street for a little hole in the wall gelato place.  *Sigh*

FATTY mcFAT FAT here I come.

I need to be stopped, but even though my jeans are tight, fat is touching fat in places it shouldn't, I know I'm going to eat poor tonight.

I already worked out for the day!  wohoo!  But I'm having issues with my knee and my neck and have zero motivation to even take the dog out for a walk in this rain.  I'm too afraid to ride my bike (bailed last Thursday hard) and I don't want to do anything.  I want to eat all the left-over good food in my place.  Heck, I can't throw it out since eating it will save me money!

I want to continue to eat bad to cope with the amazing amount of stress I'm under at work and at home lately.  I recognize that but I have no alternative way of coping.  I don't know how.

Work is killing me.    I have 3 weeks of work to finish in 2 days.  I can't do much overtime to catch up since I have a dog at home with no one else to look after.  I can't afford to put him in daycare and have no friends that would stop by to play with him and let him out.

Why can't I afford the $50 to put him in daycare for the next 2 days?  Because my freaking condo isn't selling.

After 1 month on the market we haven't gotten a single call.  It isn't my condo necessarily, it is the market.  2 real estate agents I've talked to have had almost no interest in any of the properties they have listed (be it house, condo, townhouse, mansion etc.)   Why oh why did the Vancouver market stall out just when I needed to sell my place.

Now I know I'm not nearly destitute like some people trying to sell their place.  I'm way above water with it and if I stop all the nonsense spending I can afford to carry it for a year or so without being hurt too bad financially.

I can't even re-rent it out due to stupid condo rules.

Oh... and oh!  The tenants move out on Wednesday.  Which means my realtor can finally see the total feel of the place, which means I will have to shell out money and time I don't have to make it pristine to compete in this market.  I envision hours spent cleaning, painting, and spending money to make it pretty.  *sigh*  That ramps up my stress level just thinking about it.

My husband isn't helping.  He is (love you hunny) being a whinny baby demanding attention since he is bored in Edmonton.  I can say 7 thousand times on the phone I want to/have to go and he'll go all whinny baby on me and keep talking.  Talking to him doesn't destress me, it stressed me out when he is bored.  I'm sure everyone knows someone who has a certain tone of voice that will drive you insane whenever they use it.  My husband has that when he is acting like a child who isn't getting what they want.  I have ZERO patience for it.  It makes me ill just hearing it.  And yeah... he knows this... and yes, I'm venting.  BUT ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.  Why?  why oh why when I'm stressed to the limit with work and home do you want to talk about the 7 thousands different bike locks out there when you damn well know I could care less at the moment. 

Suck it up buttercup <--- that is directed at me.  He is my husband.  I can't just shut him off like everyone else.  We are supposed to be there for each other.

I'm not quite done ranting.

I HATE that I can't control myself.  I HATE that I'm have zero motivation to even try to lose this weight.  Heck, I don't even have the motivation to prevent myself from gaining weight.

Currently, I'm in an angry hate-myself phase that I need to work out.

I'll be back soon in a more positive frame of mind, I promise.

Just to cope with all the stupid stuff and stupid people and whiny brats.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Goal Check-in Week #5

Last week's goals:

Weight Goal:

Maintain.  With family in town, I know this weekend is going to be hard. (SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - All the hard workouts and good eating at the beginning of the week paid off!)

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout every day, for a minimum of 20 minutes.  (SUCCESS!  The days I didn't do bootcamp, I went walking or cycling or just moving!)

Personal Goal:

Remind myself every day that even if the social part of my life is lacking, I have many other wonderful things happening! (Partial success.  Even though I didn't need to remind myself of this daily, I only got down on myself once this week when I wasn't invited to hang out.)

This week's goals:

Weight Goal:

Maintain.  Family is still in town so I need to keep consistent.

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout every day, for a minimum of 20 minutes; same as last week since I need to workout even when I'm busy.

Personal Goal:

Stay positive and remind myself that not everyone wants to hang out with you every moment they can.  As well, stop judging people.  Just because they make decisions that you can't grasp the reasoning behind doesn't mean they are bad decisions.
Wohoo!  I didn't gain any weight with all the horrible food I ate.


My husband's brother and 2 cousins arrived on Saturday morning and hit the ground running.

I however, was a good girl, and went to my Saturday morning circuit class.  It wasn't all rainbows and lollipops for sure.  The trainer was in a sadistic mood so that one hour killed me.  As well, one of my close workout buddies lost her father last week suddenly.  He was only 59.  We spent over an hour talking on Saturday and it really affected me and put me off for the rest of the day.  My father passed away quite young as well (54) and even though 8 1/2 years have passed, it made me miss him.  On top of having a crappy week at work I really needed my husband here.  I desperately just needed a hug.

Alas, the joys of a long distance relationship mean that didn't happen.  *sigh*

But, I got to hang out with very fun people! 

Saturday was all go.

Sunday was relaxation.

Monday was all about food!

(Monday was a civic holiday here, the day Canadian's celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday by partying and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.  In my case, eating copious amounts of food.)

Today is getting back in the grove of things.

I'm hitting the gym after work today for a session but am being bad by having a tapioca pudding with taro dessert thingy for breakfast along with a lychee bubble tea.

Lunch is leftover pizza.  But I did bring fruit and vegetables as snacks.

Off to start work though, tons to get done.

I'll leave you one thought on to why my Tuesday started off rough.  Maybe TMI.

The only bad thing about dreaming about sex is when it is BAD sex!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It isn't Easy

I had a few other posts brewing in my head today, but I received a wonderful comment on yesterday's post from Megan over at The first day of the rest of my life that I wanted to expound on.

Losing weight isn't easy.  Being honest about our journeys to lose weight isn't easy.  If it was easy, how many of these blogs would exist?  How many people would chronicle their frustrations and motivations and life if changing your lifestyle from being unhealthy to healthy was easy?

Losing weight is hard.  Overcoming food addictions, injuries, self-doubt, lack of self-esteem, and all of life's balancing acts is hard.

I think the weight loss / healthy living / fitness and health community needs to stay honest and real.  I LOVE reading all the motivational posts about people who have lost 100+ lbs and are living life to the fullest.  They make it seem so easy and attainable.  They motivate me. It makes me sad when those who are struggling with weight loss fall off the blogosphere.  You almost know that they've most likely gained weight and given up and feel guilty.  Yet, even when they were posting they were motivating me.  I could relate to them on a level I can't to those who have already won the battle.

You should never feel guilty over failing.  All my failures to achieve my weekly goals through the last 15 years of trying to lose weight have taught me so much about myself.  How strong I can be when I need to be; how weak I can be when I'm feeling low.  I have learnt so much about my body.  How it craves cardio and hates oily foods.  Only by failing have I truly learnt who I am.

I celebrate the successes even more because of the failures.  They are much more precious to me since I've had to work hard to reach them.  Weight loss isn't easy, neither is life.  If we are going to succeed at one, why shouldn't we strive to succeed at the other?

Everyone out there who has struggled and succeeded or struggled and failed should feel free to be open and honest about what worked and what didn't in their journey.  Because changing my life, changing our lives, isn't a journey that ends.  We can learn new habits but must work at not falling back into the old ones every day.

Always be honest with your successes and failures.  I don't know if I would be where I am now without people out there telling the truth about hard it is lose weight and how wonderful it feels to succeed.  Each day that I struggle or succeed I drag my ass (or mouse and eyes) to check Google Reader I find a wonderful assortment of blog posts of people who have failed, succeed, lost and won.  Each of those posts remind me that I'm not alone on this journey and neither is anyone else out there.

Keep being honest about your journey and I promise I will always stay true to mine.  I will try to never be afraid of letting anyone down by failing as long as I have stayed true to myself.

This is my journey and commitment to being honest.  What is yours?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Goal Check-in Week #4

Last Week's Goals:

Weight Goal:

Lose 2 lbs (FAIL, I ended up gaining 2.5lbs due to lack of exercise and eating out)

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Do something active every day (except Monday, migraine day.) (Almost SUCCESS!  Other than Monday and Tuesday, I was active every day. )

Personal Goal :

Organise all cake decorating / baking supplies to reclaim use of the office area! (FAIL,  I instead spent my evening in a self-loathing state and eating.)

This week's goals:

I don't seem to be doing very well on these goals.  I should print them out and put them on the fridge to remind myself every day!

Weight Goal:

Maintain.  With family in town, I know this weekend is going to be hard.

Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal:

Workout every day, for a minimum of 20 minutes.  

Personal Goal:

Remind myself every day that even if the social part of my life is lacking, I have many other wonderful things happening!

Monday Mashup

Well, I know it technically isn't Monday but this post formed in my head on Monday and tonight (Tuesday) was the time I was motivated to write it down.

I know I generally don't write a "this is what I did today blog" but I think I want to explain what my weekend was like.

After last Friday night, I realised that I can't just sit back and let life pass me by.  I may not have a social life or any friends, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from enjoying the minimal amount I have.

Saturday morning I skipped the morning circuit class.  My knee was bothering me a little, but I had a mission.  I was going to find my bike.

At 3 different bike shops, I test rode 5 bikes.  The first place, the guys were nice, but not really interested in helping me, so after a quick loop around the parking lot, I was done.  The next stop was much more productive.  The guy was super friendly, answered all my questions, and let me take a bike for a nice test ride.  I was hooked.  I had fun on that bike and managed to do a few hills without killing myself.  The sun was shining, I was happy.

The 3rd bike shop had the Kona Dew FS that I really wanted to try.  It was supposed to have the little swoop like a step-through frame, but apparently the ones delivered to Canada had the standard frame since the Canadian distributors HATED the swooped frame.  So straight boy frame it was.

The guys at Jubilee Cycle in Burnaby were wonderful.  They were patient with me and answered all my questions.  I went out for 2 long test rides on 2 different bikes and fell in love with the Kona Dew.  I was sold.  Now just to convince my husband!

I was riding high by 3 pm on Saturday when I met with my one friend and went and played pitch-and-putt.  I almost let myself get defeated when my friend kicked my ass on every single hole.  But then I realised, you know what, I like golf, but I'm never going to really practise or try hard like my friend.  I'm there for the social side of it, not because I really enjoy it!

But it was a fun 3 hour walk outside in the finally sunny weather with a good friend who was going to be moving soon!!

Then we hit the Richmond Summer Night Market for dinner.... oh my.... that place deserves a post of its own (next week, I promise) so lets just say, the food was wonderful!

I also ran into my husbands 2 sisters and their families there.  They heard I was coming (I did invite one couple, but they never got back to me) and decided to join me.  I also ran into my former best friend.  Former because his wife didn't like me ~ it was an odd quick marriage and we never really bonded well ~ but then again she doesn't seem to like any of his friends.  It was a nice quick hello and I saw his adorable little girl.  The company and food was amazing, filling, and oh so yummy.

Yes, that food was so good, I gained 3 pounds last week.  That is what unhealthy choices and lack of exercise do to me.  And depression.  Damn the moods and emotional eating.

Sunday I contributed to it, but I got back outside after laying around and napping until 2 pm.  I bought my bike!!  I also met up with the same friend from Saturday and went and saw The Avengers finally.

All of that meant I didn't actually get any housework or cleaning or yard work done over the weekend.

Which means I'm doing it in the evenings this week.

I was super productive yesterday by mowing the lawn last night right after coming home.  I also got the clutter organised a little and a weeks worth of dishes done (my depression and self-loathing hit its peak on Friday, but was weighing me down all week.)

I also got 2 weeks worth of laundry done!  WOHOO!

To add to the good karma, on Monday, I also did a 60 minute bootcamp in the morning.  I had my husband call me at 6:15 am to make sure I got up and went.  Being a good husband, he called me on the house line so I had to get out of bed to answer.  Thank god he did or else I wouldn't have made it.

The workout went so well!! My knee survived and I was so energetic afterwards.  I felt positive again.  I was back at it.

Today I went to the afternoon bootcamp and while I didn't completely kill it, my knee was happy, so I was happy!

I am unable to do tomorrow's workout since I have a massage therapy appointment in the afternoon to help with my knee and legs, but I'm hoping to take the dog for a long walk in the evening instead.  I will not let myself get down!

This sun is so welcome!

I may not be posting much in the next couple of weeks.  I have family (well not mine, but my husband's brother and cousins) coming to Vancouver for the week.  This will involve TONS of eating out since they come for the food and golf.  But it will also help get me out of my funk.

I pick my bike up Saturday so definitely more to follow (with pictures!!)

Have I rambled enough yet?

Happy Tuesday from a Monday mashup!