Friday, May 11, 2012

Motivation and Bad Choices

This week has been a struggle for me.  I find when I can't workout, I let my eating slide even worse than normal.

So far, in 5 days, I've demolished 2 entire boxes of girl guide cookies, copious amounts of chocolate, more carbohydrates than a teenage boy can eat and bought my breakfast every day.

As you may have noticed, I haven't tracked my food at all these last few days.  Exercise has been non-existent.

I've fallen off the bandwagon.  Hard.  I could blame it all on my sore knee (or my back that twinged today) but it isn't that.  It is that I've lost motivation.  I don't love me enough to want to eat healthy.  I talk a good game (I hope!) but I can't walk the walk.

I'm full of excuses.  I always am.  I know what is holding me back.  I hate myself.  If I lose this weight, then I know that I can't blame my issues on the fat.  People will finally see me for me and I'm afraid that they won't like what they see.

I'm already enough of a loser as is.

Exhibit A:

Friday at 8:45 pm I'm home alone writing a blog about 10-15 people will read.  Not a single person on this planet thought about asking me to spend time with them tonight.  There isn't a single person that I would feel comfortable calling up to hang out if I was brave enough to do so.

Exhibit B:

When planning my wedding shower, my bridesmaid (and only real friend) wanted to invite friends of hers I don't even know because she was afraid we wouldn't have anyone show up.

Exhibit C:

I enjoy spending time alone so I can be incredibly lazy watching TV and eating all the junk food in the world.


None of this will change if I lose this weight.  Losing the weight won't be a cure-all for my lack of a social life.

So why should I lose weight?

Why shouldn't I just gorge myself on food to feel better?
Why should I care about what I look like?
Why should I worry about being healthy?
Why should I want to live a long life?

Why can't I just wallow in self-pity.

Lame aren't I?

But I don't want to be...

I'm stuck in a rut right now.  I can talk a good talk about getting a bike and commuting and keeping strong with the workouts and eating right and blah blah blah blah.


A rut it is.

So now I need a plan to get out of it.




Distracted you with a pretty bleeding heart from my yard?  I planted the perennial a while ago and completely forgot about.  Luckily Vancouver gets so much rain that even though I forgot to water it, the daily rains kept it going.  I now have flowers!

Did that work?

Oh right, a plan.

How about a personal commitment to say out loud 5 reasons I want to be healthy before I do a destructive habit.

Oh... another pretty flower.....

That didn't work either?  Darnit.

But what if I can't think of 5 good reasons?

Look behind you..

I know I know, it isn't working.

So here goes nothing.

5 reasons I want to be healthy:

1. I want to be able to conceive a child and be able to see them have children.
2. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular size.
3. I want to feel beautiful.
4. I want to be confident.
5. I want to learn to love myself.

Is that good enough?

I think I'll just start there.

5 reasons to not let my self-pity take over.
5 reasons to try.
5 reasons to not give up.
5 reasons to change my life.
5 reasons to make me smile.

This isn't all talk... I hope.  No, not 'I hope'.  No throwing in qualifiers.


This is about becoming a better person inside and out for no one else other than myself.

I will start with liking myself by making better life decisions.
That will grow to love.
That will turn into me making better choices.
Which will become healthy habits.
And soon I will be healthy.
AND Happy.

You can only go up from here.

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